So, as many of you all out there probably realized this, but I'm just now seeing the error of my ways. I thoroughly have a spending problem and it's mainly ONLINE SHOPPING that is the main culprit. I can't get enough of online shopping. I'm what you could call a loner, so I don't really spend much of my time with other people...I have a dog named Carlos, and I like to look at YouTube videos, learn how things are made, watch documentaries or movies off Amazon Prime or Netflix. This is my life. Nothing much else to say about it.
But honestly, you know the real reason why I probably love online shopping? Because I like stuff. I guess I just like to fill my life with things that are mine. No one can take them away from me, and if they do, I can easily replace them. So it all sort of goes back to when I was supposedly engaged to this guy, which he will remand nameless. Not because of privacy act of 1974, but because if I mention his name, I will probably go into a mental breakdown and want to hurt everything in sight. So as you can already presume from that indicator, it didn't end well. So I was supposedly engaged, and then I wasn't. And then he was married, with a child on the way, while I was in Afghanistan fighting for my country. Oh, by the way, I serve in the United States Army. I'm a Captain and I work very hard for that rank. But I have issues; issues with commitment. Probably another reason why I joined the Army: you commit to be non-committal. You stay at a duty station for no more than 3 years and then you move on. So that way, you don't have to necessarily get close to anyone. People are pushed in and out of units so much that you really don't have any friends, just your job. And now, I'm about to embark on a new job that I plan on allowing to consume my life for the next two years. Yes, you guessed it! I'm about to become a Company Commander. It's a tough job and I'm proud to be one of the few that is privileged to do it.
Okay, so back to the whole point of online shopping and its affect on me. I love buying things. Right now I'm in this huge "kitchen" fix stage, where I want to buy all the coolest gadgets so I can cook all sorts of great things up. For who, you might ask? For no one but myself. I'm realizing more and more how much I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone. I'm "seeing" this particular guy that we will call "B" and he's not my "one", if you know what I mean. He's just a filler. And it's not like I'm waiting for something else to come along. I'm not. I'm just existing. And I'm not particularly scared or concerned about a man not finding me and loving me. Been there, done that; realized that the men that I've dealt with didn't know love and didn't want any part of it with me. However, they wanted it with other women. So.....that got me thinking, "maybe I'm not lovable" and so that's why I online shop.
Right now, however, my financial situation is at a touchy spot. I need to get out of debt BADLY. I need to get my sh*t together, if you know what I mean. I want to have savings, I want to have a great credit score...mainly so I can finally buy a house when I find a place I don't mind visiting again in my later life. So I mean, I know I'm all over the place, but I just wanted to write something. Something that sort of draws a line of where I need to start this blog. This is a blog simply for my ramblings....things I want to get out of mind and onto a screen, off my chest and into the world. The digital world where I know no one will ever read it and it's just something for me to have. I'm not famous, nor will I ever be. This is just nice to get out my fears, my dreams, my emotions without having to actually verbally speak to someone. My mentor tells me that I need to go to counseling. This is going to have to do. I don't believe in blabbing my problems to a doctor that doesn't give two cents about how I'm actually feeling. And honestly, people use that as a crutch. Not me! I'm going to live this life without the help of medicine or doctors.
Okay, I'm rambling. I hope to be back another day. Thanks for letting me vent.
-C
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