A diary written by no one

I’m 31 years old…female, single. No children, only a dog named Carlos to call my own. I have a younger brother, named Curtis. My parents divorced when I was a teenager, and it was probably the best decision they have ever made. My father lives in Memphis, TN, which I believe he will die there, alone. My mother is in another loveless marriage, living in Maryland, where I grew up. She just fought the fight of breast cancer, and my hopes is for her to live a long life. My brother lives in Virginia with his girlfriend Raquel, which I’m sure he is going to marry and be the first to give my mother a proper grandchild. Me on the other hand, I’m currently serving in the United States Army. Army Captain, well on my way to making the rank of Major. I am currently a Company Commander and will be deploying for the third time to Pakistan this upcoming July. Am I excited? Hell yeah! Another chance to make money, see the world and get away from America. So do I get lonely? Always and forever. I’ve never been good at relationships. I was engaged once to a guy I knew in college. He broke it off and married someone else not 3 months after. They have  baby girl now. I always knew I was never good enough for anyone, and always found myself trying to convince myself that I shouldn’t even try. But then I would get these glimmers of hope…I’d see one of my friends beat the odds and find happiness. I’d think to myself, “that could be me.” And yet, it still hasn’t happened. This diary, or blog or whatever it is, it isn’t going to leave you breathless. In fact, it may leave you to walking away from it and forgetting it ever existed; sort of like me. I’m forgettable. I’m replaceable it seems. I wish I knew the fate of my life or my future. I wish I knew what was going to become of me. Will I be a wife? Will I be a mother? Will I be happy one day? I haven’t a clue. I can tell you this: I’m simply unhappy now. And I wish there was something I could do about it.

I’ve been working out with my gym partner, DW since October. I dropped 5% off my body fat for the Army, and increased my APFT score by 37 points. My goal is to drop another 3% and increase my APFT score to a 270 before I leave for my deployment. I just got food poisoning this past weekend, so no working out for me. I didn’t even get to work on this presentation that I needed to have complete. I guess I’ll be staying late over the course of the week to get it done.

So let’s go back to this idea of being happy…..what do I think will make me happy? I’m not sure if it’s “someone” but I think it’s a state of being. I personally would love to lose a shit ton of weight. I’m about 186 lbs now…it would be great to be about 150 pounds. I’d also love if my hair was crazy long, if my skin was flawless, teeth were whiter, bills were paid off, and I was at least dating someone. I’m 31 years old…what’s going to happen to me now? No one is going to want someone my age…I should just give up completely. I mean, what’s the point? Just work and die, I guess. People always say it will happen when you aren’t looking, or “he will be the guy that you don’t pick initially”. I don’t get that logic. All I know is: I’m unhappy.

I live with him....

I live with a guy. We've known each other since 2008. We have always seemed to follow each other during our careers, and now we are both in the same positions in the Army, so it's completely out of convenience that we are roommates. He has his space, I have my own. 

It has never been a moment where "something" could happen. Never. A lot of people are thrown off by this "arrangement" and don't understand how a woman and a man, can live together, and nothing come between them. Let me break it down then. He likes white women, I like men....I don't have a preference. I'm pretty sure he's NOT attracted to me whatsoever, so I'm sure that definitely helps. He does these things that irritate the living daylights out of me, which is another reason I wouldn't ever cross the line into that "dimension". I also think that he's probably too much of an emotional beast than me. I'm starting to realize more and more how emotion-less I am when it comes to the opposite sex. Now, that doesn't go to say I'm not passionate about my family, my job, or my country. Not the case at all, but over the course of these last few years, I've just come to the conclusion that men, in general, aren't into me. They don't find me attractive, they don't see me as anything but what I am: me. I'm nothing more and nothing less. I'm also okay with this realization and I have come to terms with my future. Living with a guy, that is extremely attractive, for almost a year, and there's been NO interaction or indication of anything more than friendship, closely shows me how un-wanted I am by the opposite sex. Welcome to my world. Enjoy the ride. 

Thoughts....

So I'm taking on a new and very demanding responsibility this Friday, and I'm thoroughly excited about it. I am super happy for the opportunity, which I don't necessarily need to advance in my career, but so many people in my line of work don't actually take the chance to lead from the front. I'm also going to use this towards getting in better shape (because when I was in a line company back when I was a 1LT, I was in the BEST shape of my life because I was constantly working out!)

In other news, there's a certain person that's been introduced in my life that I have come to look forward to seeing everyday. I will call them LF, which is funny because during my deployment there were a person with the same initials that I found myself extremely drawn to. Unfortunately, I wasn't their cup of tea and they didn't reciprocate the feelings back. Which, is the story of my life. This person, unfortunately, will never know the feelings I have for them, for it is forbidden for me to have any type of relationship with them. And I guess it keeps me accountable for my feelings in a good way.

In other news, my hair is growing out NICELY. I constantly am finding ways to update my look and make it easier and more effective to last throughout the week. Sadly, due to my new and upcoming work out regime, I may have to dedicate 2 hours every 4 days to redoing my hair so it's still in a good standing. Plus, who wants to look raggedy!

I've been seeing this guy B, that is a great guy. However, i don't seem to put him in a vision of my future. I don't see him there. I don't really see ANYONE there for that matter. I see me doing what I want to do in the Army, busting my ass, doing the hard jobs that no one wants to do or has time for because of family responsibilities. But because I don't have that, I can do the jobs that no one wants. And it's actually pretty nice. But when will I see a future....with someone? When it's too late? Will I ever feel the need or necessity to "want" someone?

To be continued.

Difficult Personalities

So today was one of those extremely trying days. Sitting in the sun all day, looking at serial numbers of radios and various other "contrapments" that really mean nothing to the normal citizen in the world. I managed to do something awesome today, though. I sold 8 bottles of the Manetabolism Hair vitamins. These vitamins are supposedly supposed to get your hair at ridiculous lengths, however, the bottle failed to inform you that you could break out horribly and in turn, spend more money on skin products to help combat the adverse effects of the hair vitamins. Trust me, I've had my fair share of "remedies" for these last 3 months. I was time to finally get them out my life. I have 3 bottles left. 2 of which are for my girl Fefe, and then I have one bottle that has yet to be claimed. Honestly, I'm thinking (hard) about revisiting this product and seeing if it will work at a later time, but I really don't want to risk it. I literally tried everything in the book. The recommended dosage is 2 pills a day. I figured that must be TOO much for me, so I tried 1 pill a day. Then I tried 1 pill every 2 days. Then I tried 1 pill once a week. And trust me, nothing worked! I tried 1 pill with like 10 glasses of water. I tried half a pill! I tried 1 regular Manetabolism pill with a regular biotin pill. NOTHING! Skin broke out like you wouldn't believe. I was beyond frustrated. I randomly posted on my YouTube channel I was selling them. Sold 4 bottles to a woman in the Carribean. Then I got the smart idea to post it on my instagram page...and walaaaaaaaa, golden. But now it's got me wondering if I want to sell the rest of my other products that I haven't used up. You see, I chopped all my hair off back in March for a good reason which I will discuss at a later date, but now I don't have all those gorgeous locs for 8 oz of leave in conditioner or 8 oz of deep conditioner. And I definitely don't have all that hair for almost 4 shelves of products! So, I am seriously thinking hard about selling all my unopened products. And trust me, I think I could make a pretty good profit off of them.

Addiction to spending

So, as many of you all out there probably realized this, but I'm just now seeing the error of my ways. I thoroughly have a spending problem and it's mainly ONLINE SHOPPING that is the main culprit. I can't get enough of online shopping. I'm what you could call a loner, so I don't really spend much of my time with other people...I have a dog named Carlos, and I like to look at YouTube videos, learn how things are made, watch documentaries or movies off Amazon Prime or Netflix. This is my life. Nothing much else to say about it.

But honestly, you know the real reason why I probably love online shopping? Because I like stuff. I guess I just like to fill my life with things that are mine. No one can take them away from me, and if they do, I can easily replace them. So it all sort of goes back to when I was supposedly engaged to this guy, which he will remand nameless. Not because of privacy act of 1974, but because if I mention his name, I will probably go into a mental breakdown and want to hurt everything in sight. So as you can already presume from that indicator, it didn't end well. So I was supposedly engaged, and then I wasn't. And then he was married, with a child on the way, while I was in Afghanistan fighting for my country. Oh, by the way, I serve in the United States Army. I'm a Captain and I work very hard for that rank. But I have issues; issues with commitment. Probably another reason why I joined the Army: you commit to be non-committal. You stay at a duty station for no more than 3 years and then you move on. So that way, you don't have to necessarily get close to anyone. People are pushed in and out of units so much that you really don't have any friends, just your job. And now, I'm about to embark on a new job that I plan on allowing to consume my life for the next two years. Yes, you guessed it! I'm about to become a Company Commander. It's a tough job and I'm proud to be one of the few that is privileged to do it.

Okay, so back to the whole point of online shopping and its affect on me. I love buying things. Right now I'm in this huge "kitchen" fix stage, where I want to buy all the coolest gadgets so I can cook all sorts of great things up. For who, you might ask? For no one but myself. I'm realizing more and more how much I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone. I'm "seeing" this particular guy that we will call "B" and he's not my "one", if you know what I mean. He's just a filler. And it's not like I'm waiting for something else to come along. I'm not. I'm just existing. And I'm not particularly scared or concerned about a man not finding me and loving me. Been there, done that; realized that the men that I've dealt with didn't know love and didn't want any part of it with me. However, they wanted it with other women. So.....that got me thinking, "maybe I'm not lovable" and so that's why I online shop.

Right now, however, my financial situation is at a touchy spot. I need to get out of debt BADLY. I need to get my sh*t together, if you know what I mean. I want to have savings, I want to have a great credit score...mainly so I can finally buy a house when I find a place I don't mind visiting again in my later life. So I mean, I know I'm all over the place, but I just wanted to write something. Something that sort of draws a line of where I need to start this blog. This is a blog simply for my ramblings....things I want to get out of mind and onto a screen, off my chest and into the world. The digital world where I know no one will ever read it and it's just something for me to have. I'm not famous, nor will I ever be. This is just nice to get out my fears, my dreams, my emotions without having to actually verbally speak to someone. My mentor tells me that I need to go to counseling. This is going to have to do. I don't believe in blabbing my problems to a doctor that doesn't give two cents about how I'm actually feeling. And honestly, people use that as a crutch. Not me! I'm going to live this life without the help of medicine or doctors.

Okay, I'm rambling. I hope to be back another day. Thanks for letting me vent.

-C