A diary written by no one

I’m 31 years old…female, single. No children, only a dog named Carlos to call my own. I have a younger brother, named Curtis. My parents divorced when I was a teenager, and it was probably the best decision they have ever made. My father lives in Memphis, TN, which I believe he will die there, alone. My mother is in another loveless marriage, living in Maryland, where I grew up. She just fought the fight of breast cancer, and my hopes is for her to live a long life. My brother lives in Virginia with his girlfriend Raquel, which I’m sure he is going to marry and be the first to give my mother a proper grandchild. Me on the other hand, I’m currently serving in the United States Army. Army Captain, well on my way to making the rank of Major. I am currently a Company Commander and will be deploying for the third time to Pakistan this upcoming July. Am I excited? Hell yeah! Another chance to make money, see the world and get away from America. So do I get lonely? Always and forever. I’ve never been good at relationships. I was engaged once to a guy I knew in college. He broke it off and married someone else not 3 months after. They have  baby girl now. I always knew I was never good enough for anyone, and always found myself trying to convince myself that I shouldn’t even try. But then I would get these glimmers of hope…I’d see one of my friends beat the odds and find happiness. I’d think to myself, “that could be me.” And yet, it still hasn’t happened. This diary, or blog or whatever it is, it isn’t going to leave you breathless. In fact, it may leave you to walking away from it and forgetting it ever existed; sort of like me. I’m forgettable. I’m replaceable it seems. I wish I knew the fate of my life or my future. I wish I knew what was going to become of me. Will I be a wife? Will I be a mother? Will I be happy one day? I haven’t a clue. I can tell you this: I’m simply unhappy now. And I wish there was something I could do about it.

I’ve been working out with my gym partner, DW since October. I dropped 5% off my body fat for the Army, and increased my APFT score by 37 points. My goal is to drop another 3% and increase my APFT score to a 270 before I leave for my deployment. I just got food poisoning this past weekend, so no working out for me. I didn’t even get to work on this presentation that I needed to have complete. I guess I’ll be staying late over the course of the week to get it done.

So let’s go back to this idea of being happy…..what do I think will make me happy? I’m not sure if it’s “someone” but I think it’s a state of being. I personally would love to lose a shit ton of weight. I’m about 186 lbs now…it would be great to be about 150 pounds. I’d also love if my hair was crazy long, if my skin was flawless, teeth were whiter, bills were paid off, and I was at least dating someone. I’m 31 years old…what’s going to happen to me now? No one is going to want someone my age…I should just give up completely. I mean, what’s the point? Just work and die, I guess. People always say it will happen when you aren’t looking, or “he will be the guy that you don’t pick initially”. I don’t get that logic. All I know is: I’m unhappy.